


All the choirs in my head sang

by WonderousPlaceForAnEcho



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 08:49:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3563531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WonderousPlaceForAnEcho/pseuds/WonderousPlaceForAnEcho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla and Laura go on a road trip with a playlist Carmilla creates after Laura asks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the choirs in my head sang

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: When I create a story in my head before I sleep to relax and it does the trick that’d my cue to write it. There are certain songs I think Carmilla would love and listen to. This one shot is about Laura listening to a playlist Carmilla created for their road trip to Carmilla’s old house in Switzerland. Why not? Mostly this was about me using songs describe a person and everyone carries a soundtrack in them. I wrote a Glee Faberry fic similar to this that each song says a lot about Quinn & enjoyed the style of that or being inspired by artists. Thank you Trooper for editing (the phrase old loneliness) & thank you to Racha for French translations. Title is from the song Breath of Life by Florence & The Machine. The song almost made it to the playlist.

Music was her second go to for escape. Her books were the obvious first, but music gave Carmilla certain freedoms to tune out the world. Those were Laura’s thoughts a month ago when they discussed traveling while on their extended winter break when the Silas campus sent out a dubious email.

They were her books Laura considered because she knew Carmilla had memorized passages in her time and truly absorbed them. The vampire had barely looked up from her book as Laura talked a mile a minute about options, how they’d get there, Carmilla wasn’t allowed to pay for everything and they needed to bring an array of snacks.

A week later they got into an interesting discussion on how “humans are judgmental in the strangest ways. Music is something personal and subjective. People get offended easily when told their tastes are stupid. Dubstep for example…” Carmilla had said and cringed at the ‘genre’. “That’s not music, its offensive to my ears and memory,” she said and watched Laura try not to laugh at Carmilla’s ‘countess tone,’ as Laura labelled it. She drank a glass of red wine she had mixed blood in making it seem thick and rich. She was almost tempted to try it.  “It’s practically robots farting,” she frowned at herself and looked into her glass as though it made her say those words. _Fucking merlot._ She thought.

Laura laughed so hard her sides her which made Carmilla glare at her. She’d lost track of how many times she said oh my god after that.

“You don’t want to hear me talk the whole way?” Carmilla replied smoothly with a smirk, pulling Laura back to her original topic. She watched eyes widen and then narrow once she realized her leg was being pulled. Laura knew Carmilla wouldn’t humor her and talk the entire way, but she wouldn’t have minded. Carmilla didn’t talk enough in her opinion. She had to be coaxed or bribed…with kisses and other things…

“….I do…but you won’t,” she said slowly and hoped reverse psychology would do the trick on her stubborn significant other.

“Right again cupcake,” she replied as she stole a cookie from Laura’s stash. The slightly smaller girl almost found the act endearing but she would still get a little riled that Carmilla was such a klepto, though part of her knew the vampire did it partially to annoy her.

“Could you make a playlist or burn some CDs?” She tried again, edging on a pleading tone. She knew the older woman didn’t have an iPod and instead used an iPad…mostly for reading books that were only available online, much to the vampire’s chagrin and deep annoyance. She once went into a rant about needing to hold a book and how the experience was far richer with corporeal material. “The satisfaction of turning a page,” she said with an adoring tone followed by a rant about hating Apple products and how this century’s dependence on technology was abhorrent. Laura had to bite her lip in her attempt not to give an absurd grin. Instead she kissed her broody girlfriend who had many standards and snob tendencies. Of course Carmilla would be passionate about literature.

“I’ll see what I can do,” was the nonchalant reply which was more akin to a promise after she had finished the last of her wine. Nine times out of ten if Laura asked her to do something it would be done, but in Carmilla fashion it would be presented in a blasé tone or as though it was the most tedious thing to do. Why couldn’t the world just let her stare at the stars, admire their fleeting beauty and sleep until one in the afternoon? It was a valid question she once said to Lafontaine who was about to reply but was cut off with the words, “that was rhetorical.”

Now there was warmth slowly filling the large car, silently battling the freezing cold that lingered outside, and waiting to get into her bones. Laura didn’t mind. She was willingly distracted by her girlfriend who was driving the car to her “comfortably desolate house in Switzerland” as Carmilla had described it last week. It was then Laura had asked her, petulantly and with barely contained enthusiasm for Carmilla to create a playlist for the long car ride.

Trees were going by in a blur, sunlight creeping through their old bodies forcing Laura to pull down the visor. They had been driving for all of four minutes, and Laura felt antsy in her seat. Her hot cocoa was warming her hands, otherwise she would have reached over and set her hand on Carmilla’s thigh, but the heat hadn’t reached a comfortable degree yet. Still she looked over to Carmilla who seemed very much in control of the jeep that Laura thought was a bit absurd for their road trip but Carmilla had calmly explained it was a rental and they’d be going through a lot of snow and tough terrain.

“Did you make the playlists?” She asked with excitement after she had settled in, eyes going from dark eyes to her lips down to her arm and hand that was resting on the steering wheel. It amazed her daily how beautiful her girlfriend was. Someone who clearly wasn’t part of this century with her old soul. Her deceivingly fragile body had tossed her heavy bags in the back like they were pillows, and cynical mind that held so much history, opinions, and feelings…

“Reach into the front pocket of your bag, I need your iPod.” She said calmly but shifted her eyes to see Laura huff because she should have known Carmilla would load her music on her own iPod.

“Kleptomaniac,” she mumbled but didn’t hold any resentment as she reached into her bag by her feet and pulled it out. It powered up with a press of a button. To Laura it felt too slow. It didn’t matter they had hours together, she wanted to see into Carmilla’s mind because everything she liked and loved came with a story.

“Alright DJ…scroll to Gloomy Sunday.” She said without taking her eyes off the road.

“Why’d you call it that…aside from it being Sunday?” She countered awkwardly.

“It’s a Billie Holiday song.” she replied conversely.

“Oh. I haven’t heard of him.” Laura said honestly as she hovered over the play button. She didn’t want to scroll through the list, thinking each song would be a nice surprise or at the very least she wanted to appreciate them all before forming opinions without listening to them, but she felt her hand being touched and moved. Carmilla slowly leaned over in her graceful way, took her hand and brought her relaxed fist to her lips.

“ _She_ was stunning. Always wore a gardenia in her hair. She could only sing a few octaves but she embodied jazz. She was essentially a queen but had…a hard life…a tragic backstory, if you will, that sock puppets wouldn’t do justice to.” She said with a smirk. “She had all this talent and such soul and raw sadness when she sang but she died without much of anything due to drugs and people taking advantage of her. Her autobiography,  Lady Sings The Blues…ends on a hopeful note though…which perhaps makes her life that much more tragic.” She looked over to see Laura in an awestruck expression. Possibly because it was the most she had calmly talked in the last few weeks after battling The Light, save for her rants. She was filled with facts.

“Carmilla Karnstein-walking encyclopedia.” The smaller girl said with a wide smile. It wasn’t a complete shock but Carmilla rarely offered her knowledge and experiences with ease, there was often a condescending tone and mini rants about ethics. It was a nice realization Carmilla was a nerd in her own way.

“Anyway the first song is What The Water Gave Me by Florence and The Machine.” She finished with a small nod to the iPod to indicate Laura could start it. Laura pressed the screen and got more comfortable in the seat. She closed her eyes for a few seconds until powerful female vocals came through. The timbre and tremble of her voice took over Laura’s mind and she looked over at Carmilla who seemed slightly in a trance, though she felt safe as she continued to drive with focus.

“Why do you like it?” She asked after she paused the list.

 “Well who wouldn’t love the line-oh poor Atlas, the worlds a beast of a burden you’ve been holding up a long time?” She asked with a smirk. “This song makes me create a video in my mind…with each drum beat I think of shovels plunging into the earth to make a grave. And the line-pockets full of stones reminds me of Virginia Wolfe who drowned herself in a river by weighting herself down with rocks,” she said clinically. “And I understand that feeling, I once couldn’t think of anything else except how to stop existing, but…” her tone became lighter…”I think the line-time goes quicker between the two of us…reminds me of you and I. I used to feel rather Mumford and Sons in a Hopeless Wanderer way…but you make me feel…” Camilla paused as she considered it transcendent to enjoy a modern song and linking it to old loneliness and sorrow.

 _Like a natural woman!_ Laura refrained from singing and drew her bottom lip into her mouth to not disrupt the serious moment that took over their road trip.

“Time is unimportant, that I should savor the days…so…the next track…” Carmilla pushed and looked over when Laura took a hold of her hand and brushed her thumb over her knuckles. _Carmilla’s composed of contradictions. She’s a beautiful, abstract being that thinks in abstracts. She’s strangely linear like that._ Laura considered as she squeezed her pale hand and realized she was willing to learn Carmilla’s thoughts and take in her words. Rather than reply she humored her girlfriend and pressed play for the next track. A jazzy, lighter tune came through and she recognized the voice. She watched the hand she wasn’t holding tap against the steering wheel. Laura glanced at the iPod, not able to come up with the title. Her dad would listen to Sinatra sometimes. And she paused it again when the song finished.

“Why Fly Me To The Moon?” She asked with a smile.

“When I briefly lived in New York City it played often in cafes and bars. It reminds me of that period in my life…how playful and freeing that city is. How it can pull someone in and make them feel limitless…that we should dance in the sky…and live a life that’s out of this world. It’s timeless…as is New York City.” She ended with an adoring tone and Laura made a mental note to go to Paris and New York with Carmilla. Those were on her growing bucket list. She didn’t have anything to reply so she leaned over and kissed Carmilla on the cheek who very briefly closed her eyes and gave a small smile of her own when the smaller girl resituated in her seat and waited for the next song.

Carmilla smiled wider the moment music played. Laura didn’t care she couldn’t understand the French lyrics. She was vaguely aware Carmilla seemed to like female artists who had shaky, emotional voices. With the many thoughts in her head and seeing Carmilla smile in a way she’d never seen before she almost didn’t hit the pause button when the song ended.

“Why this one?” She asked with excitement.

“Were you even listening?” The vampire countered conversationally.

“Yup, but it was in French! I’ve never taken French.” She said factually but with building excitement. Each song was allowing her to see a layer to her broody girlfriend and she wanted to see that smile again. It was the type that said she adored it all.

“Je ai été en amour avec personne et ne serai jamais à moins qu'il ne soit avec vous.”

Her reply was slightly cheeky but mostly serious and Laura made another mental note to look that up because they were in the middle of nowhere and she didn’t have service. Dark eyes locked with hers and looked like they were battling between love and lust. Laura couldn’t really comprehend everything when Carmilla looked at her that and spoke French in her deep voice. _There’s a bed at her house right? She has to have a bed…unless she’s always in cat form and sleeps on the floor…._

It barely registered her hand was softly squeezed as though asking-ready? Carmilla took an unneccesary deep breath. “Edith Piaf was known as The Little Sparrow. She also had a tragic life. She was passionate, unfairly talented, respected Billie Holiday and had bouts of depression and what they called more or less referred to as madness because she lost a great deal in her life…her sight when she was a child was restored through prayer apparently while she lived in a brothel, was classically trained rather militantly, and I think she makes her voice flirt with the music with this song. She was just…stunning in person,” she finished and seemed to play a live show in her mind as Carmilla focused on the road.

 _Soooo she’s seen iconic artists…is ludicrously cultured…why is that a huge turn on?_ Laura turned her head when she felt her face flush so the vampire couldn’t see her blush. Though she figured with her hearing it was useless since her heart rate picked up at feeling intellectually intimidated by her girlfriend. It wasn’t arrogant in any way, but certainly attractive.

“You okay there strawberry shortcake?” She asked through barely concealed laughter. Laura almost turned to glare at her for being mocked in multiple ways. The blushing and her height were a two for one deal in her comment apparently.

“You know it’s not exactly fair you’re so cultured. You’ve been around longer! Its cheating!” She tried to argue and bypass the endearing food names.

“If you were a vampire you might be too, but I think you’d become weirder with more time on your hands,” she said with laughter. Laura didn’t mind. This was typical Carm and a side only she got to see. The more playful…as though she were a ball and of course Carmilla was the cat. She never felt like a toy to her girlfriend but she willingly let the weird comment slide because it was probably true and she loved to hear Carmilla’s laughter which seemed like music itself.

“Next track,” she said happily.

“Hold on, go to Daniela Andrade. She does a simple, though beautiful cover of La Vie En Rose,” she offered so Laura could fully understand the song. At a side glance she caught Laura narrowing her eyes, trying to see if with vampire powers she could also see into the future or if she was _that_ predictable.

Laura scrolled through until she found the artist and selected the song. A soft guitar came through the speakers followed by a young voice singing the same tune but in English. She tilted her head and admitted to herself it was beautiful. A songs about love and longing. At first glance Carmilla may seem the type to blast punk rock for the sake of pissing off the neighbors, but this was another surprise.

“Back to the playlist?” Laura half asked and was already getting back to it. The brunette only gave her hand another gentle squeeze and kept her eyes on the road.

 _I know this voice! I know it! Its….Adele!_ Laura searched her mind as soft music came out. Though she frowned it wasn’t very familiar.

“It’s a cover by The Cure.” Carmilla offered and they sat in silence to listen to it with full attention. 

“Okay…everyone loves Adele..anyone with a brain anyway, but why do you like it?” Laura asked and looked at the clock. They’d only gotten through five songs and a little over an hour had already passed.

“Her voice is smoky and she sounds like she’s making a promise. Always is something concrete. It’s not something that one should take lightly, yet people throw it around. And…you _do_ make me feel like I’m young again. And to enjoy the frivolous moments. Maybe there’s something purifying to love…you make me feel clean as it says and you may not realize it but there’s power in that. Not violent power and destruction which I’m accustomed to and perhaps desensitized to an extent, but you have more beauty to you than you realize. ” She gave a soft smile as though that wasn’t one of the best compliments Laura had been given in her life.

“….wow….” Part of Laura’s brain may have fizzled a little.

“Next song cutie.”

Intense piano notes played and Laura sat up straighter expecting it to be classical music. When lyrics edged on being screamed her eyes widened. There was a slight preaching quality to it. It alternated between three different languages and Laura watched Carmilla’s smile spread a little more as the song progressed and her hand mimic gliding over piano keys. Laura had to admit it was unexpected that strings joined and the singer half sang, half spoke in Russian. When it ended she wanted to replay it because she couldn’t have caught it all. When the drums had woven in she felt her heartbeat pick up.

“What was that?” She asked in awe that she hadn’t ever heard this song.

“That was Regina Spektor. It’s one of her darker songs. Usually she plays more whimsical, dare I say quirky songs, but I love that she speaks multiple languages and was offered a record deal in college but told them she was going to finish her degree.” There wasn’t a long reason for that song but Laura appreciated that Carmilla included another layer to herself.

“That’s very practical and admirable. She sounds familiar.” Laura said with some thought.

“She sings the theme song to that show you watch.” Carmilla frowned trying to think of the title. “Orange is the New Black.”

“Aha!” Laura exclaimed after she raised her index finger to the roof of the car and she could practically hear Carmilla saying “you nerd.” Rather than taking the bait she un-paused the iPod and relaxed back into the seat.

Banjos. Those were also unexpected until they built with a bass with this heavy intensity and haunted undertone that it took Laura a minute to realize it was another pop culture song by Mumford and Sons. She was even more surprised when Carmilla hummed to the lines-but oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness. So hold my hand, consign me not to darkness.

She knew she’d be revisiting this song. Maybe she had to branch away from Taylor Swift. Even if she’d caught Carmilla singing some Taylor Swift in the shower before. But she took a deep breath when the song ended because it left her with a heaviness.

“Why do you like it?” She asked as she looked into dark eyes that looked a little harder.

“It reminds me of Maman and our dysfunctional relationship. How even when she was condemning me to a coffin of blood she was arrogant and felt entitled to kill girls and anyone she deemed inferior. Her audacity left her without any grace,” she said with increasing anger. With a roll of her shoulders to release tension her tone shifted to a gentleness that was only reserved for when they were alone. “I know my heart is very flawed. I imagine everyone’s is…though you manage to make me feel less so or…regardless of being irrevocably riddled with inadequacies you’re with me. That holds more value than the weight of the past.”

In an instant Laura undid her seatbelt and felt the car slow down but smoothly continue as she moved closer and kissed Carmilla’s prominent cheek and move down to her neck. She lingered, giving barely there touches until she pressed more firm and gave a small nip because she knew Carmilla didn’t mind a little pain.

“Laura…” she said as she slowed the car more, aware they weren’t in danger but Laura without a seatbelt still worried her. Seconds passed with a few more kisses until she heard the click of the seat belt again.

“Next track!” Laura said with happiness since she had her Carmilla kiss fix. It would have to do for now.

“Get ready,” Carmilla said with another smirk.

 _Is it freaking smirk day?_ Laura thought as she tried to prepare for….more intense songs?

More drums played. Laura was starting to think her girlfriend really enjoyed drumming. “It’s from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs,” Carmilla offered about thirty seconds into the song. As the song continued Laura thought it was a great way to describe Carmilla. It strangely sounded sexy. Not a lot of songs in Laura’s music library was what she would consider sexy but it was a slightly chaotic song that went in waves of calm and then seemingly sloppy guitar riffs. She smiled at the lyric-you’re something like a phenomena.

“So why do you like this one?” Laura asked a little more pumped up. She blamed the song.

“It’s a little punk, a little harder than what I usually listen to. It makes me feel alive.” She paused. “Most of their songs do. They’re more a catalyst for adrenaline or to set things on fire,” she added with a devilish smile.  “When battling the light I played them in my head.”

The smaller girl nodded and found that made sense the song could be used for a fight scene. She just never considered Carmilla would compose a soundtrack for moments in her life to inspire her. It didn’t seem to a warrant a response, she was simply glad Carmilla was sharing. She pressed the play button and heard a slightly gravel voice who sounded a little bored singing. It was moodier than the previous song and not surprisingly started with drums. Carmilla slightly swayed her head to the beat and sang the line-you told me it was night inside my heart, it was. You said it should tear a kid apart, it does. Didn’t want to be your ghost, didn’t want to be anyone’s ghost.

How perfect that it sounded like a haunted melody. Dreary and pensive. It was a short song but it left Laura feeling contemplative. “Hm, why do you like it?” She asked tentatively as though the reply was going to be bare and in a way telling of Carmilla’s burdens.

“It reminds me of Elle. That I was a monster in her eyes and many. She once said my heart was the deepest black she could imagine.” Laura had to refrain from rolling her eyes because the girl was melodramatic. She wasn’t about to deny Carmilla was a monster or had monstrous qualities. It was very clear the vampire was rough around the edges, but behind closed doors she was still a monster, but a beautiful one. Over time Laura realized her girlfriend didn’t bother with social norms and fallacies, not out of rebellion but due to her own standards of calling things as she saw them. It wasn’t as simple as lacking patience.

Laura considered being in Carmilla’s place and having someone yell at her that her heart was the deepest black imaginable. She gave her girlfriend’s pale hand a small squeeze. Words weren’t going to be enough. She knew that when her mother passed away. The ‘I’m sorrys’ and apologies seemed flat, though sincere, they didn’t seem to matter. She wasn’t about to promise Carmilla that she wouldn’t say anything similar but she felt she could make that promise to herself she would try to understand Carmilla rather than judge her.

“I am a monster.” She said factually. Laura felt her heart compress, as though it was being forced to shrink. Carmilla may consider herself to be one but she thought she also held a great deal of good in her.  “Part of it wasn’t by choice and some was,” she continued. “Time is a strange thing. I believed I loved Elle…and I did. Presently however I’m lead to believe… Je n'ai jamais été amoureuse, et je ne le serais qu'avec vous.

“Carm,” she whined. “What does that mean?” She thought it was something telling, but now she was damning her choice of Spanish classes. She watched a wide smirk form on lips she wanted to kiss after shaking her girlfriend for being so frustrating. Without the typical surroundings of their dorm she wrongly thought Carmilla would cut her some slack since it was just the two of them but _how the hell does she make we annoyed and kiss the ever loving hell out of her?_ “Ugh!” she groaned, knowing the vampire wasn’t about to translate to English.

“Next Track is Bon Iver.” Carmilla introduced it and gave another small nod for Laura to play it. The smaller girl loved the song and almost put it on repeat but wanted to know Carmilla’s reason. Each one was turning out to be something akin to a chapter since Carmilla was temporarily presenting herself as an open book.

“Their albums have this feeling that they’re meant for one person to listen to in solitude or in a duo. A few years ago I would take Will’s dog,” she paused glancing at Laura who predictably made a face. “Okay, she was a great dog. She was cat-like, but she really matched Will well who is needy and wants validation when he comes home. Cats are of course independent and we’re here to amuse them, the Egyptians had that right, but I digress. I’d wander in the woods for hours listening to their albums on a loop, only in the fall. They’re songs feel made for that season. We’d be out for hours or days, she’d hunt with me and seemed to really enjoy when I’d change to my cat form.” Laura gave another ‘whaaaaaat’ face. “Like I said cupcake, she was a great dog.” The younger girl listened but replayed the song on low while Carmilla talked. “They have these intense moments of the instruments building in layers and they fit so well with hiking up a hill, while most of their songs pair perfectly with looking over a lake and…feeling each inhale and exhale. That you should put your life on hold, feel nature and the simplicity of it and really breathe it in. It puts life…or the lack of it in my case, into perspective,” she said and bit her lip, falling a little deeper in her thoughts. “Their music makes me feel there’s more to live, more potential, more serenity,” she took an unneeded breath again and looked at Laura.

“I can’t believe you’re secretly a dog person,” Laura said to lighten the atmosphere. The trip was proving to be an excuse to fall more in love with her girlfriend. Though she had never blatantly said the words I love you, lately they were on the tip of her tongue.

“Next song cutie,” Carmilla said lightly, pulling Laura from her consuming thoughts of falling in love with a vampire. She offered a small smile as she pressed play. A piano riff and what she would consider a jazz tune played. A female voice came through and after a minute Laura realized she knew this. She’d heard it….

“This played in the movie bridesmaids!” She said with excitement.

“Never seen it,” Carmilla replied with a head tilt and watched Laura’s jaw drop.

“Oh we’re remedying that as soon as possible! Does your house have a tv?” She knew she had to ask because it was believable Carmilla would surround herself with books and not come out to say hello to the world for years if she hadn’t been a minion to her mother all those years.

Carmilla gave a deep frown and for a second Laura thought she looked like Olivia Wilde from House.

_Maybe I have ADD…maybe I’m right. I’ll have to ask Laf when we get back. They’ve watched House._

“Of course you don’t have a tv…” she said and settled down again to listen to the song that was _very pretty_ she decided.

When it ended she pulled her legs onto the seat and looked at her girlfriend for a reason. It seemed redundant to ask why do you like this one for the tenth time.

“I adore her voice.” She said with a soft, beautiful smile. “The lyrics I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star, to pray on, or wish on, or something like that…hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love. And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope make me think of being confined in the coffin. How…I was confined in blood and couldn’t see the sky but would have to construct the constellations in my mind. And hope is a tricky, painful thing. There were moods and madness I would succumb to,” she paused and bit her lip again. “And the hunger….after some time the blood would have been toxic. It was just a reminder I would suffer with it laying on me, pressing on my eyes if I turned. I would have welcomed death in the moods that took over with my imprisonment. I craved air and the stars. I have never been more thankful for stupid humans and their idiotic wars then when the coffin was uprooted.” She swallowed, feeling that she could throw up if she talked more about it.  Some things were better left buried.

If she were a religious person she could have said when she was released she felt reborn, but she hadn’t. If anything she felt stunned, shocked, overwhelmed, alone and desperate. Carmilla was guarded but honest. Her entire existence was a life, she knew, she seemed alive but was dead, she seemed youthful but was unimaginably old and she seemed brooding but underneath was a cynical, hopeful romantic-all which she wouldn’t admit to. 

She could tell Laura there were a slue of reasons to be an atheist but she also doesn’t want to ironically have a preaching tone that if there was a god said god abandoned her long ago. She doesn’t need to feel cared for by an invisible entity, she had felt love in her life and she reminds herself daily, when she glances over to Laura that she’s loved in the present.

A somber guitar broke her from her thoughts. She looked over to see Laura with her eyes closed. It reminded her of Sam in the film _Stuck In Love_ listening with rapt attention. The younger girl was paying such attention to the song she almost didn’t pause it. She blinked a few times and Carmilla noticed it was to push back and make it seem she wasn’t crying, though subtlety wasn’t Laura’s forte. Without thinking she kissed the back of Laura’s hand who gave her a surprised look. Carmilla shrugged. An emotional Laura made her more affectionate, it was a natural reaction to seeing the upbeat girl turn somber. Part of her didn’t want to share why she loved this song, thinking it would bring her mood down, but she reminded herself Laura wanted her to share, had expressed that numerous times in the last few months.

“Elliot Smith was addicted do drugs and drank, the song is about heroin. He stabbed himself in the heart,” Carmilla said bluntly. “During my destructive phase that lasted a year I tried every drug under the sun. Absinthe is overrated, crack is for the poor, I skipped that,” she said snidely and Laura’s eyes widened. “But heroin was lovely. Kurt Vonnegut was right in saying-how nice -- to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.” Laura swallowed, trying to wrap her mind around Carmilla having taken drugs, injesting them, putting a needle in her thin veins…she cringed.

“There was a time it was a relief to mentally fall into the rabbit hole so to say.” She drawled. Laura narrowed her eyes, wondered if Carmilla was remembering her experiences, and she almost asked but the vampire added, “it was appealing to feel nothing, to not care, to get as close to death as possible because dreaming was…” she couldn’t find the words for what was worse than nightmares. “when falling asleep meant battling a demon that would only come back stronger when it seemed like you had gotten a step ahead….heroin was a beautiful escape, a warrior against the demons…however temporary.” She sighed and Laura was conflicted if the sigh was in longing and appreciation for a substance or if she was relieved she no longer took drugs. At most Carmilla drank absurdly priced champagne. “Luckily vampires lose whatever addictive personalities they may have had as humans. I was never one for addictions as a human, and the drugs…were a means to not kill myself. I was physically here and mentally gone, but I didn’t love the drugs. I would think anyone who loves drugs has a harder struggle. When I read girl, interrupted I thought she was annoyingly self-indulgent but also right when she said-I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.” She ended and glanced at Laura who seemed for once at a loss for words. Sometimes it was easier to borrow and reference other words because your own was still being sorted out and couldn’t be concretely described.

She squeezed her hand lightly as though saying it’s ok. Laura didn’t think that would ever be ok, but it was out of her control, it was part of Carmilla’s past and she wasn’t about to judge her. She didn’t understand wanting to bury emotions that badly, but didn’t think it fair to be critical. At the least she could hope she influenced Carmilla in a positive way. She leaned over the console and kissed her cheek again. Carmilla really looked stunning with her gentle smile and sadness that came out of her in waves, dueling moods crashing together inside the complicated creature that was Carmilla.

“There was this really sincere moment in the movie…the self-proclaimed cynical girl,” she shared with a warm tone, “says I don’t want to want to get hurt and the boy says I’m not gonna hurt you. As a viewer you believe it, its well-acted, but displays something we fundamentally all want-to have an honest conversation about hurt, trying to avoid it, and asking someone in so few words to not inflict.” She said slowly, as though she had all the time in the world to replay movie scenes, listen to music, dive into books and wander. Laura looked at the clock. Another hour had passed. It was odd she had only listened to another few songs, but Carmilla spoke in a luxurious way, as though she were announcing the artists to an audience with reverence and great honor.

Laura pressed play again and looked out the window for a few seconds. Another intense song played and Laura felt herself sink into the seat more, as though the lyrics were pushing her down. Almost every song Carmilla played was intense and heady. Strong vocals half sang, half yelled-And God knows I'm not dying but I bleed now, and God knows it's the only way to heal now, with all the blood I lost with you, it drowns the love I thought I knew.

The smaller girl flashed back to Danny carrying Carmilla into her dorm, bloody and scratched. Unresponsive and too quiet for anyone alive. _Stupid vampire!_ She cringed at the memory. Carmilla didn’t have to breathe even when she was “an animated corpse” as she once described herself.

The singer exclaimed again-And god knows I’m not dying but I bleed now. Laura couldn’t stop the small shudder at seeing Carm with blood. A trickle coming from her ear. She knew that meant internal bleeding and the realization Carmilla could get hurt meant she wasn’t impervious. She was tough but she was destructible. Someone could take her apart and the damage had been done. She’d seen evidence of it days later when Carmilla would move slower. She even seemed tentative about being touched, as though Laura could unintentionally hurt her. The younger girl knew emotional hurt was an entirely other issue, but Carmilla being weary reminded her of a deer during those days. Painfully graceful with her movements and occasionally shy. To Laura is was another layer to the vampire who could be a beautifully brutal panther-hybrid and a fawn. It vaguely reminded her of a poem the vampire shared with her before they started dating called…she blanked for a few seconds because poetry wasn’t her thing…. _The Tiger_ by William Blake. The discussion of if there’s a god if there’s a lamb and a tiger in the world…something so innocent and something fierce. If the world was balanced? Laura thought Carmilla could alternate between creatures depending on her moods.

She swallowed, as if the lyrics had formed a block in her throat and fill her mind with images of Carmilla wasting away if the dumb boys hadn’t been throwing things into the pit. “This one…” she asked with a soft reaching tone as the line my bones will bleach, my flesh will flee repeated in her head.

“It…perfectly describes how it felt to jump into The Light and come out of it. I thought I loved Maman, but loving, I believe is linked to autonomy. She forced herself into my life and by stealing it she controlled love. Loves doesn’t have to come with sacrifices though it usually does.” She said slowly and Laura thought it was fitting that The Dean was a thief in Carmilla’s mind. If Carmilla wasn’t a vampire she would have stayed in the ground, in a careless grave, slovenly discarded and Laura hated that she didn’t get to say goodbye. A cynical part of her thought closure was an idealistic concept created by therapists to get their patients to keep talking and coming to sessions. “Love should be free and natural. Organic and though it felt like eternity that I was indebted to her I no longer am obligated.” She lifted her pale hand from Laura’s grasp and touched her fingertips gently to her chest. “It’s my blood and my bones, not hers, not anyone else’s.” She finished concretely and with a passion. Laura admired the fire in the usually stoic vampire. For years Carmilla manipulated as best she could and rebelled against her mother figure. It had taken her near death experience to make her see she was her own entity and independent as her “animal spirit” (Laf once called her shape-shifting ability) was but better late than never right?

When Carmilla placed her arm across the console again, hand facing up, Laura gently held her wrist, drew small, comforting circles into her skin with slight pressure and slowly moved her fingers between the older girls. She didn’t know what she expected from the road trip. Singing to Taylor Swift songs together was far from her thoughts before they got on the road but she should have known Carmilla would impart some of her past to her, but she couldn’t have prepared herself for being torn between crying and wanting to kiss the girl for hours while they drove. And she didn’t want them to get into an accident so she settled for grasping her hand and alternating between running her thumb over her pale skin and moving her index finger along the inside of her wrist in calming circles.

Another heavy song started and Laura was surprised it was a male’s voice. She had grown accustomed to female voices which seemed to dominate the playlist. It made the smaller girl think of Carmilla lighting things on fire, on destroying whatever she could for the sake of having it break. It made her think of the joy Carmilla had when she’d watch flames take over something and leave ashes as proof of its power. She knew Carmilla held back often when it came to letting her demons free, she knew there was an absurd strength, but an equally gentle way to her. Whenever Carmilla would hold her, dance with her or even allow herself to be held Laura was reminded that her hard seeming roommate could be the most delicate individual she had come across.

“This song made me feel it’s acceptable to not keep all my issues…demons contained, that it wouldn’t be natural to control them all or deny that they exist because that would be a rejection of my past, my flaws…and in a way that would be a rejection of who am I as a whole. I hated myself for years. Daily its easier to move away from that hatred.” She gave a soft smile. Carmilla would always be a work in progress and Laura thought there was something wonderful in that. How an over four hundred year old vampire could still learn, experience and grow in this world. She was enjoying the comfortable silence between them and didn’t feel the need to give an opinion. They were a quiet couple and she loved they didn’t always need to fill the silence.

An instrumental song played and she expected a voice to accompany the beautiful music but it didn’t come. She listened harder and realized she knew the song. Then her jaw dropped.

“You were actually watching _Twlight_!” Laura made a mental note to stop saying actually.

“As though I had a choice. I was tied up and forced against my will, might I stress. Enduring that anti-feminist crap made me almost crave my bloody coffin.” She said with darker humor than usual. “But the song was beautiful and sentimental.” She didn’t say anything more, feeling it would be redundant to express she would love Laura for a thousand years. She would carry that love and heartache with her, because the two came hand in hand, as a bittersweet emotion that held more power than humans gave it credit for. Carmilla felt another kiss to her cheek and smiled, but kept her eyes on the road. She imagined Laura was blushing at the implication to the song and exactly why she chose to include it.

 A girl’s voice came from the speakers. It was whimsical and still held a longing tone that seemed beyond the singer’s age. And she recognized it! Gleefully and with shock. “You watched Alice in Wonderland!” She half exclaimed and asked.

“Of course. Carroll was brilliant. And although Disney butchered the story to a degree the song summarizes the book and movie well. We all live in our worlds but this is what I wish I grew up with…if I could relive my childhood…and if I it was a time during television. I would have loved Peter Pan. She also voiced Wendy.” she said with an unguarded smile. Laura made another mental note to have a movie night with Carmilla, watching classic kids’ movies.

“Can we get off at the next rest stop?” Laura asked once her hot cocoa really hit her.

“Mhm,” was the gentle reply and Laura watched Carmilla move her hands easily around the wheel, seemingly savoring the feel of traveling. A few minutes later the younger girl stiffly stepped out of the jeep and stretched. She saw Carmilla step out gracefully with an elegance she only saw in her girlfriend and dancers. The vampire raised her hands above her head, her shirt riding up and showing an inch of her stomach, and gave a raised eyebrow to Laura who was staring intensely. Laura turned away quickly to cover her blushing. When she came out Carmilla was leaning against the jeep, legs crossed over an ankle, an arm wrapped around her midsection while she held a coffee. While Laura had searched the station for any junk food Carmilla had already filled the tank.

“I thought you didn’t really like coffee.” Laura said with a frown.

“I like quality coffee. Right now I wish to be tense and this tastes like lighter fluid,” she said as she glared at the cup. Laura almost laughed but put her hand over her mouth and coughed instead. Her girlfriend could be absurdly cute with her anti-morning attitude and her inclusion of a Buffy quote.

She looked at the slightly taller girl who seemed content to lean against the car and wait for Laura as long as needed. Carmilla looked like a beautiful statue. Once upon a time she viewed Carmilla as this broody person who was intimidating and now she knew she was still broody but less so and certainly wasn’t intimidating anymore. Even when she tried Laura couldn’t stop smiling at the attempt. She was glad their tentative touching was behind them. Carmilla would seek out comfort and affections. Without thinking she moved forward, pressed the vampire against the car and smiled into the kiss when she caught Carmilla off guard and was the same height as her due to her lackadaisical stance. One arm went around her waist as Carmilla still held her coffee. She felt herself being lifted, turned around and backed into the vehicle. Her back hit the cold metal and she felt Carmilla’s other hand sneak under her shirt at her side and pull her closer.  Carmilla tasted bitter. Of coffee and lost hopes, of held back tears and contained bliss, as though she didn’t truly trust the happiness she felt with Laura. She had once whispered to her when they were half asleep-don’t tell me you love me. That would make all of this real. Then I’d have to accept the happiness when everything else seems flawed.

Laura pulled her closer and tried to breathe optimism into her girlfriend who was far less of an asshole to her than anyone else, as Danny had noted recently. She didn’t think a grade a jerk would opt to drive for hours to their secluded house for the sake of having alone time and overdue undivided attention. They couldn’t get that as Silas-university of the peculiar. The thought of really shutting out the world and learning Carmilla more was incredibly appealing and that drove her to gently push the vampire away. She glanced around and noticed the gas attendants were staring and she narrowed her eyes because some guys were invasive with their leering and interest.

“Carm, let’s go. I want to get there before dark,” she said easily as she whispered in her ear. The vampire stepped back, reached up as Laura assumed to move some hair behind her ear but grabbed the coffee she set on the roof.

“Let’s go cutie,” she said easily and missed the glare Carmilla gave when she turned around to the men an gave a glare that made them step back even though they were inside.

They settled in and Carmilla smoothly peeled out and was back on the road. There was maybe an hour to go and Laura hoped that was enough time to listen to the remainder of the playlist. She reached over and held Carmilla’s thin wrist then pressed play. A somber, gorgeous, rich and yet quiet voice came through. God did she want to listen to it again when it ended but she paused and wiped the tear that was half way down Carmilla’s marbles cheek.

“That song is the most fitting anthem for freedom.” Carmilla offered with a stained voice as to her reason for loving the song. “I can and have listened to that song on repeat for over an hour because every note and every lyric seems perfect.” She swallowed, unable to really express how phenomenal Chan Marshall was. “Anyone with a soul or who once had a soul can in some capacity appreciate this song,” she smiled bitterly to herself, unsure if she still had one and all the philosophy she read and studied wouldn’t give her the answers to her questions that were once desperate but had been resigned to ambivalent inquiries.

“That was beautiful. Is she still alive? You said Edith Piaf wasn’t but I’ve never heard of…” she looked at the Ipod “Cat Power..but huh..do you like the name of her band because…is she a vampire too?! Can she turn into a giant cat?!” Laura verbally vomited and watched Carmilla’s shoulders shake with laughter.

“She’s human and still alive. If she tours nearby I’ll take you,” she said in a promise and with more composure than she had before the song played through.

“Okay,” Laura said with a smile and thought that would be an amazing experience to have together, she hadn’t seen a live show in years and she imagined being with Carmilla, taking in such beautiful music while likely leaning into Carmilla would be nothing short of wonderful. God being in love made her a bigger sap than usual.

With another small nod the vampire prompted Laura to play the next song. It was entirely instrumental and when she thought the song had ended she glanced at the Ipod to see Toccata in Fugue in D Minor. The music kept building and she looked out the window, thinking this song would be better enjoyed at night or possibly with a glass of wine. Having an over four hundred year old girlfriend with a fake ID meant she could partake in “the finer luxuries” as Carmilla had said when she poured a glass from another expensive bottle a week ago as they listened to modern jazz in their dorm.

The song played on for over seven minutes and Laura felt heavier because of it. She wasn’t surprised Carmilla liked classical music. She imagined she maybe felt young while listening to it because it was before her time as a human. It seemed too obvious why the vampire liked it but she turned her head and asked with slightly raised eyebrows why.

“In Fantasia they made an equally dark and light video for the song and a coffin moving down into a grave or hell seems very fitting. Disney is death obsessed but it still surprises people there’s many themes of death and lose in their movies. Point being it’s one of my favorite classical pieces aside from Clair de lune.” She said with passion that reached her eyes and settled there in a way that made Carmilla look infinitely more beautiful.

“You look at me…like you’re about to jump my bones cupcake,” she said with great amusement and pause at the colloquialism.

If Laura hadn’t been equally amused by Carmilla’s attempt at modern phrases she would have blushed but the fact was patience wasn’t her strong suit and she wanted to reach the house so she could kiss Carmilla like she was made to love her, like she was supposed to spend her days loving this creature as long as her life and more importantly Carmilla allowed. She shrugged contently because it was true and useless to argue.

The French woman’s voice came through the speakers again and she smiled, falling in love with the music. Carmilla looked at her Laura and found her more endearing, how she took in the world, with as few walls she’d seen in a person. It was admirable if she didn’t find it slightly insane and lacking self-preservation. She couldn’t deny that it was also beautiful. Laura seemed to absorb the song, she was almost envious she couldn’t experience Edith Piaf for the first time again. Awestruck didn’t begin to describe how she adored the French artist.

“I see why you love her,” Laura said wistfully and Carmilla only nodded. She was thrilled they were only minutes away from the long driveway to the house.

Billie Holiday played next and the smaller girl had to work back hours ago when Carmilla had described the singer. She didn’t have a powerful range as Piaf did but there was still such obvious talent. She sat further back in her seat and thought she’d ask the cliché question are we there yet once the song finished. It was strange she loved every song. She wondered if she liked them because they were linked to Carmilla or because they were good songs. The lazy part in her won out and she decided to not overthink it. She had learned to savor the moments they had together. The times Carmilla would curl into her like a cat and allow herself to be held. When she’d tilt her head to look at Laura who was descending into sleep and multiple times had said-on se verra dans mes reves.

It was in the back of her mind to look that up in the morning but it escaped her sleepy mind whenever she woke. More so Carmilla distracted her by running her hands up and down her body in appreciation.

“I see what you meant before. She sings like she’s had a life..a hard one and is compelled to sing about it, like it’s the only way she’ll heal,” she said with a frown. Her eyebrows drew together more when the jeep veered to a side road that was barely recognizable through the dense trees.

Gently Carmilla gave a soft squeeze to her hand in a way that said I’m about to show you part of my life I’ve never taken anyone to. She was pulled from her thoughts with the soft touch. Laura took her extended silence that it was done. She could have commented more about Billie Holiday but the desire to wax poetically about love and god were never her strong suits. Even with her appreciation for words she was an actions person. She told Laura she loved her nonverbally such as opening the door for her. The smaller girl was still in a daze. The trip felt shorter than she anticipated. When she was fully out of the car she pulled Carmilla in by the hip and kissed each cheek. The slightly taller girl took their bags and told Laura the key was in the side pocket. She did as instructed and opened the door, expecting clothes and chaos to welcome her.

“You don’t need an invite creampuff, that’s not a valid restriction for vampires by the way,” she said with a smirk and followed Laura in who seemed in a state of shock.

It looked like the forest had transplanted itself in the house. The wall looked like thin trees were layered behind one another. It was an accent wall…of artistic wallpaper. She squinted and noticed it was record albums. Hundreds and likely reaching into the thousands of records in a meticulously clean, open house. She further looked around and saw on the opposite wall were massive bookshelves filled with what appeared to be antique literature on very thin, black shelves. When she turned around Carmilla was already sitting on the counter top, looking pensive and weary that Laura was about to judge her escape house.

“This really suits you,” she said with certainty and caught Carmilla dip her head and smile in a way that showed relief and modesty…a rare trait in the vampire. It was strange sludge and clothes weren’t thrown around and covering the floor, in fact it looked clean enough to eat off of, but instead Laura stepped between Carmilla’s legs, moved her hands up to encompass the vampire in a hug and whispered in her ear, “wanna see how many records we can make-out to until we either need food or sleep or your clothes get annoying?” Laura said with laughter because god she shouldn’t try to be sexy, it just came out weird. She felt Carmilla’s shoulders shake at her expense and didn’t mind. Some things in their dynamic weren’t about to change.

The vampire gave a slow, stupidly-sexy smile. “God, Laura.” She said her name with such care and Laura hoped she wasn’t reaching when she thought the tone was with love.  “Je n'ai jamais été amoureuse, et je ne le serais qu'avec vous.” Though she knew Laura loved to be told she was loved by her friends and father… was a bit addicted to the validation she hadn’t told Laura the exact words. In pure Carmilla fashion she never made it easy for her girlfriend. Proclaiming I love you in French was more her style.

“I’m going to have to research that!” she said before Carmilla pressed her lips to hers and pulled her closer.

Always closer.

**Author's Note:**

> http://8tracks.com/placeforanecho/all-the-choirs-in-my-head-sing  
> Thanks for reading. See you in my dreams is the translation of on se verra dans mes reves. Je n'ai jamais été amoureuse, et je ne le serais qu'avec vous is French for I have been in love with no one and never shall unless it should be with you. Honestly I don’t like Laura on the show, I think she’s an acquired taste. If she existed I don’t think I could be friends with her. Was amused Word wanted to change Carmilla to the name I was named after-Carmella. Thanks for tolerating my long author’s note(s).  
> What The Water Gave Me-Florence & The Machine  
> Fly Me To The Moon-Frank Sinatra  
> La Vie En Rose-Edith Piaf & Daniela Andrade’s cover  
> Love Song-Adele  
> Apres Moi-Regina Spektor  
> Broken Crown-Mumford & Sons  
> Phenomena-Yeah Yeah Yeahs  
> Anyone’s Ghost-The National  
> Holocene-Bon Iver  
> Paper Bag-Fionna Apple  
> Between The Bar-Elliott Smith  
> My Blood-Ellie Goulding  
> Arsonists Lullaby-Hozier  
> A Thousand Years-The Piano Guys  
> In a World Of My Own-Alice In Wonderland  
> Maybe Not-Cat Power  
> Toccata in Fugue in D Minor-Bach  
> Padam-Edith Piaf  
> Gloomy Sunday-Billie Holiday


End file.
